As I sit in the dive bar alone, with my laptop, desperately searching for something to write about, I look over my shoulder and see a couple share a kiss. I feel a pang of desperation and loneliness in my chest as I watch the two embrace and share an intimate moment together. A kiss is something I long for like a frog longs for a log. A touch is something I long for like a dog longs for a bone. Another human is something I long for like the sun yearns for the moon to relieve her of her duties so she may rest.
I have always felt the need for a lover. When I was in preschool, a kid the same age as me asked me if I would be his wife. He said he would pack my wedding dress in his sleeping bag that he used for nap time and he would buy me the prettiest ring I had ever seen. We both turned out queer which I think is quite funny. However, he did set a pretty high standard for me as far as love goes. And I suppose he also made me addicted to the concept of love and loving someone as much as the law allows.
I feel love shining its beautiful glimmers all around me like I feel the oxygen particles swarm by my mouth as they enter my lungs. Love is not something I just hope to have. It is the foundational blocks of my human construction. I guess what I am searching for is true love. A love like no other love that has ever been.
I often spend long amounts of time wondering why none of my previous romantic relationships have never really worked out. I truly believe I loved all of them dearly. I held them to my heart. I would have done anything for them. Anything they would have asked. But would they have done the same for me?
Love is something I truly believe is worth dying for. If I fell in love, and did something that caused me permanent bodily injury, or ended my life all together, I truly believe I would go to heaven with the utmost peace in my body and the biggest smile on my face.
Alternatively, I have been so lost in love that I have hated. I have done things that are vile, sick, repulsive, and downright hateful. These are things I did not do out of love; I did them because I was lost. Because things weren’t working out and I didn’t want to let go. I didn’t want the love I was in to end. I didn’t want to be the reason someone else’s love would end. I have loved so much that I have hurt. I have been so lost in love that I dragged other people through the mud, battered them and bruised them, caused them harm, and ultimately destroyed myself. Love is a powerful, yet dangerous thing.
I just want to leave you with this; love dangerously, ferociously, and endlessly. However, take care of yourself. Prioritize yourself and what you stand for, then love like you never have before. True love is something that will never die, and in the end, it will set you free.